Barstool Buys Canada

by Eloise Williams
architecture boat buildings business, Barstool Canada

Looking up at the Nantucket night sky after killing the remaining suits and slamming an entire box of pizza, a blimp passed by that says “The World Is Yours”. Portnoy immediately phoned Erika Nardini, “Barstool is buying Canada,” he states before abruptly hanging up and and eating an entire watermelon

Canada, a minuscule country located in North America has been on Portnoy’s radar for years. “It’s so undervalued,” Portnoy yelled. “This Canada country is the last remaining frontier. A wild wild west. One of those true Lewis and Clark opportunities.”

Know for its Eskimos, “Fancy Socks” and oil pipelines that never get built, Canada is the last third world country left in the world. And now with Barstool owning the Canucks, for the first time ever, the world has it’s eyes on Canada.

“I never knew what a Canada was,” a local Boston man stated. “I couldn’t even tell you where Canada was if you gave me a map.”

Deal terms of the acquisition were not disclosed. But experts suggest the sale could be upwards of $250,000. As for the new Prime Minister that will be Deion Sanders.

Over the next few months Barstool plans to roll out sports betting across Eskimo reservations. In addition, each Eskimo will get one boy of pizza, a green hammer and toilet paper with Ross Gerber’s face on it.

As for Portnoy, well he’s taking over the world.

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