Barstool Enters Electricity Market With Neon Deion Signing

by Chadford Whitmore VI

NEW YORK – Barstool announced they have broken ground on a new electric factory with the signing of Neon Deion Sanders. The move is another win for Barstool’s Portnoy, who has had a string of wins in recent months. The factory is expected to output 1.21 gigawatts per millisecond, far outpacing the output of any know electric producing technology in existence.

Deion electricity times Davey electricity equals electricity cubed times infinity. I just re-wrote the physics books. Sorry, Benny Franklin. You may have discovered electricity, but I perfected it.

-Dave “El Presidente” Portnoy

Portnoy Re-Writes Physics Books

When reached for comment, Portnoy said, “Deion! Deion! Deion! Did I just invent a new form of energy? I think I did. Deion electricity times Davey electricity equals electricity cubed times infinity. I just re-wrote the physics books. Sorry, Benny Franklin. You may have discovered electricity, but I perfected it.”

Deion Ready To Be Himself

Sanders proclaimed he is now free to be his real self. “Oh baby, thank you Barstool. I’ve held back my true persona all my life. I’ve never been able to speak my mind when I was playing football and when I was on a suit run network. I’m not the introvert I’ve been portraying. I am jacked to join Barstool to show people my true personality of prime time, show time, neon lights and gold chains, baby! Prime Time and Barstool. I like that. If you don’t know, baby, now you know.”

Penn Gaming (PENN) stock is expected to skyrocket based on the news.

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