Fed Pegs USD To Penn Gaming Stock Price

by Chadford Whitmore VI

Washington DC – At a press conference today, Fed Chairman Jerome Powell announced that the Fed will be pegging the USD to the Penn Gaming (PENN) share price, a gambling stock that has had a massive run up in recent months. Since April, the US dollar has declined against other reserve currencies. The Federal Reserve has been forced to take drastic action as this decline puts significant pressure on worldwide confidence in the US dollar.

“If I’ve learned one thing in all my years of running financial systems, it’s that you always bet on Penn.”

-Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell

This Is An Unprecedented Move By The Fed

This is an unprecedented move and some say it is a bit reckless to peg a currency to a public company’s stock price. Fed Chairman Jerome Powell disagreed when questioned by CNN’s Jim Acosta, a “journalist” best known for Tweeting about Trump. Powell stated, “This is arguably one of the most pivotal moments we have seen for the dollar since it bottomed back in 2008. If I’ve learned one thing in all my years of running financial systems, it’s that you follow the ABOP principle – Always Bet On Penn.

Powell continued, ”We’ve been printing so much money the last few months that we’ve printed even more money to directly buy stock in HP. We’ve gone through so many printer cartridges. In the words of Crazy Eddie, ‘It’s insane!’ Every time I walk by a printer I see that little light flashing that says ‘low on ink’. I’m really glad we bought the HP Instant Ink subscription back in January. It’s saved us a ton of money.”

A Pivotal Moment In History

This is a pivotal moment in history as a collapse in the USD would fundamentally alter the global financial landscape. Given that Penn Gaming stock has seen a massive run up to $49.00 since a March low of $3.75, a collapse of the USD now seems nearly impossible. With Penn’s announcement of a new gambling app and the continued obliteration of the Wall St Suits by Barstool’s Dave Portnoy and his daytrading firm Davey Daytrader Global (DDTG) Global, because one global is not enough.

With Portnoy’s net worth rocketing to $200 million recently, there have been whispers that Trump has been considering Portnoy to replace Powell at the Federal Reserve. When asked for comment, Portnoy said, “I recently interviewed the President. Maybe you’ve heard of him? Leader of the free world? Yeah, that guy. I already made the bold move to go all-in with DDTG, becoming Fed chairman seems like a logical next step in my career progression from newspaper delivery boy to media mogul to Wall St mogul to potentially running the Federal Reserve. This progression is exactly how my big brain planned my life when I graduated from Swampscott High.”

200 Million Dollar Man Dave Portnoy
200 Million Dollar Man Dave “El Presidente” Portnoy

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