Hasbro Announces Monopoly Spinoff “Bankruptcy” Based On Ron Insana’s Legends Fund

by Chadford Whitmore VI

PAWTUCKET – Toy company Hasbro has announced a spinoff of its timeless board game Monopoly called Bankruptcy. The game is based on the true story of Ron Insana’s “Legends Fund“, that went bankrupt because he’s an incompetent boob.

The specifics of the game were not released, but the premise is for players to go bankrupt as fast as possible. In the event of a tie, whichever player has lost the most investor money will be declared the winner. If a second tie-breaker is needed, the winner is whichever player charges the most fees to investors at the lowest rate of return prior to bankruptcy. Notable favorites from the Monopoly Community Chest such as “Go To Jail” and “From Sale of Stock You Get $50” will be replaced with “Go To CNBC To Pump Stocks Even Though You Have No Credibility” and “From Sale of Stock You Get Charged A 1.5% Management Fee & 2.5% Sales Charge”.

“I’ve failed at everything in my life. Legends Fund, SAC Capital, heck, I was even cut from my little league team. I guess I’m just a born failure.” -Ron Insana

From Hasbro’s press release, CEO Brian Goldner summarized Insana’s sad professional life, “Insana’s hedge fund, laughably called “Legends Fund”, wasn’t actually a real hedge fund. The “hedge fund” was essentially just Insana calling up his crony buddies and begging them to take money that he fleeced from people that trusted him. Our marketers thought this would make a great board game because everyone now hates Ron Insana because of Barstool Dave Portnoy’s daily undressing of this bum for the failure that he is.”

When reached for comment, Insana stated, “I’m close to going personally bankrupt because, to be honest, I don’t even know how to balance a checkbook. I sold the rights to my failed life story to Hasbro for $250 in Amazon gift cards, three bottles of Rogaine and a package of Fenway Franks.”

Insana continued, “I’ve failed at everything in my life. Legends Fund, SAC Capital, heck, I was even cut from my little league team. I guess I’m just a born failure.”

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