Markets Crash As Portnoy Contracts COVID

by Eloise Williams
Portnoy COVID

“The King of stocks is down!  The King of stocks is down,” someone yelled in the trading pits.  “Sell! Sell! Sell!,” another yelled.  “For the love of God someone think of the children,” a woman screamed.

It’s officially been called ‘Green Hammer Death Day’.  One of the bloodiest days in public markets since 1987.  Stocks fell over 69% once the news that Portnoy contracted COVID was out.

“We exited stocks completely,” Warren Buffett stated.  “Portnoy is the King of stocks.  Without him leading the army of retail investors this market is useless.”

News platforms across the world halted all breaking news to focus solely on Portnoy’s sickness.  The stock market shut down for the rest of the week.  All suits cried.  And even President Trump ordered all flags to be flown at half mast. 

“I was planning on handing over the Berkshire reigns to Portnoy after I passed away,” a distraught Warren Buffett said.  “If Portnoy doesn’t make it though this I’ll wind down Berkshire.”

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